The sensation of love...

Having escaped the city for a weekend at a friends place in Queens gave me the time to reflect on a few things. Here I am surrounded by moments of the past of my friends life with her husband and I couldnt help but to wonder what is love?

We have all claimed to be in love but I can not say that I have enjoyed the full potential of this emotion. I love my family and friends but I have yet to experience to experience the love of a man. Though I put on the facade of not wanting this love, why do I find myself day dreaming of what it would be like to wake up next to someone..to watch him sleep, to listen to the rhythm of his heart, to feel the warmth of his skin against mine. What it would be like to place my hand on his and feel the sensation of his squeeze though he remains a sleep. To be at my desk in the middle of the day and get a phone call saying "Im in the area and I want to see you." To walk around on the weekend and share thoughts and jokes. To build something other than muscle with someone.

On the other side I wonder what it would be like to have a argument. A heated debate over a trivial point, to slam the phone in each other's face, to say I don't want to speak with you right now. To be so angry with someone because you thought you knew their pysche yet you can not figure out how an argument could have gotten so out of hand, but then to see him and it no longers matters and before you know it you are back in that bed watching him sleep again.

How do you build this love? Time and time again you open yourself for this emotion and nothing happens and its hurts the same each time. No matter how you try to deal or prepare the hurt is still the same just with a different guy. Am I jaded? No but with each time I wonder if this emotion is even for me. I have a wonderful life, I enjoy my job and I am going to a school I want when I want. My friends are geniune and each one hold a special place in my heart so why do I need to confuse things with the emotion of love?

I can only hope if and when this emotions happens for me, I can look it in the face and feel the sensation of it's hand and not want to be any place else but in that moment of love